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Nov. 1st, 2007

getting ready to go to the club

(no subject)

boys suck!!!

there have only been 2 guys in my life that i actually thought "wow i could actually be with him. i actually like him and care about him"

why did they both come back into my life at the same time

i dont  know how to act around them because i still care about them

i hate boys!!!

and i never thought i would say that

Oct. 28th, 2007

getting ready to go to the club

the lowest of the low

i have hit  a low point in my life. things have sucked before but wow, everything seriously is hitting all at once.

1) my mom kept talking about how we were all going to move (all is me her and her boyfriend) and we were all looking for houses and i was off almost every sunday so thats usually when we went to look at the houses. now she is too busy or does not feel like it. and they both have stopped looking for new houses to go look at. i talked to my sister about it today and she told me they don't want to move until i get accepted to Wash. U. so that they can move far enough away that i have to live in the dorms or get an apartment. there is no way that i can go to school full time and afford and apartment. for a shitty ass apartment anywhere near school is at least 500$ a month plus food and electric and gas and everything else you have to pay. sadly here in st. louis even if you rent the apartment you have to pay your electric and shit it is not included in your monthly rent. not to mention gas for my car and a cell phone and internet to do my school work and insurance for that piece of shit that i have to get fixed every month. so i am getting kicked out at the end of the school year and i make about $300 a month. good fucking luck to me

2) my car is breaking so often i have already put more money into fixing it than i did when i bought it. and if i sold it. i would get about 1000 dollars from it. how can i save up for a new car when i spend 200 on gas a month and prices are going up. and i am expected to get my own apartment soon. i am afraid i have to drop out of college for year or so and work full time to be able to make enough money to get a car that will run and find an apartment to live in. oh wait.. if i am not in school my mom will kick me out right away so then i won't have anywhere to live. love it

3) my work is so messed up. ever since we switched management at my store everything have been fucked up. balinda the store manager is not doing her job at all. so we all have to pick up her slack. plus she is rude to the customers so we all had to  go to classes we didn't get paid for being at to learn how to treat customers. danielle the assistant store manager is waaay too young to have that job. she does not follow the rules and just to make my life suck... we hate each other. she makes the schedual so i get like ten hours a week and they are the worst shifts that everyone hates to work. and i get stuck with all the pulls and all of the re prices so that i can't be on the register. not why would she not want her best customer service representative checking people out'?? because it shows everyone else that she sucks and can't do her job right. and without being on the register i can't sell anything so i never ever meet my goals and i get a pretty little write up.  and last  but def. not least we have mindy. mindy is a four star csr which is one step ahead of me. and she is pregnant so she will be going on leave soon. they want to train me to do her job while she is gone. which will give me a raise so i should be happy right??? well im not because after her six week leave she will come back and i will be demoted back to my reg. suck ass job.  and at bbv it is a rule that if a reg. mod (manager on duty, store manager ass. store manager or either of the two shift leads) can not work a shift then and only then can the four star act as an mod. so explain to me why mindy opens (mod job!!!) mon, tues, wed, and thurs, this week when zach a shift lead can open mon, wed, and the ass. store manager and can open tues. and thurs. and a four star has a max. of 25 hours a week. but mindy has 40 schedualed thsi week. and is taking on the my shifts on satuday with out asking???  why do i have to fix everyones mistakes there and do everything they are supposed to do?? and finally why can no one put games back in the drawer right?? its alphabetical order you fucking idiots.

4) i am doing poorly in school because people in my life keep dying so i have to miss class to go to the funeral or go to slu and donate their body and my cold hearted teachers won't let me make up the work!! 

and although i can not see the future it does not seem very bright. things are def. going to get worse. and i dont think i know how to handle that.

Oct. 16th, 2007

getting ready to go to the club

who needs family??

first off i just need to tell you that i have found true love... in a 2008 camaro!!!!

and now a survey to put off my ramblings of hating everyone around me...

1. If I looked in your trunk, what would I find?
a tent,  a camping chair,  clothes for charity

2. Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
usually closed since i live with other people

3. Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawers or just thrown in?
thrown in for sure my socks never even match

4. Sleep on your back or stomach?
i roll around

5. Are you a cuddler?
not unless i have to

6. What would I find if I looked under your bed?
a bunch of shoes and some beer and a bottle of vodka

7. Something that happened today that has made you mad?
my grades are horrible people at work know how to do their job properly and still don't and the big bag lady stole from my BBV today

8. What were you doing before this survey?
listening to my mom tell me once again i need to "learn emotions"

9. What will you do after this survey?
take my contacts out and go to sleep

10. Marriage or living together?
i won't get married until everyone can

11. What are you wearing right now?
shorts and 2 tee shirts and socks

12. Have you ever been in love?
nope and don't want to anytime soon

14. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
i don't hide much of anything

15. Is there something you regret and wish you could take back.

16. First thing you do when you wake up?
answer my phone usually or put contacts in

17. Last person you told you love them?
can't remember

19. Bite or Lick?
depends who is being bitten or licked

20. Last argument you got into?
with the lady at the bank yesterday... 128 over draw fee for and 85 cent over draw... bull shit

21. Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
no never

22. Why do you like the person you like?
oh gosh i like so many people.  but i guess the one i have liked the longest.. because hes funny and smart and we have a lot in common and he treats girls well... and i love his mom

23. When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
yeah i still need my mom to wake me up

24. If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
no i don't like animals much

25. What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
make every show your own

26. What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
nothing... christmas i guess so i can get more money to get a new car or new apartment

27. When will you turn 50?
in 32 years

28. What is your favorite board game?
Monopoly or shrek operation

29. Where do you wish you were right now?
in greece. alone. shopping and eating wonderful greek food

30. What song are you currently listening to?

31. Have you ever passed out from drinking?
def. yes

32. If you caught a significant other cheating on you what would you do?
i would have to be in the situation there are alot of other variables

33. What time did you wake up this morning?
i didn't have school today so at like ten

34. Do you have any cousins?
yeah a lot of them

35. who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
a customer... no aaron

36. What is your favorite milk shake flavor?

37. What is the WORST subject they teach in school?

38. Where do you plan on living when you grow up?
i want a very nice house in the suburbs of chicago or a really nice apartment in new york city or a giant house in a small town outside of boston

39. What was your dream last night?
i dont remember

40. How many times have you seen your favorite movie?
i don't have a favorite

41. Where was the last place you traveled?
owensville lol mexico i guess was the last trip i went on

42. Where would you like to travel next?

43. What is your favorite song?
i don't have one

44. Why are you doing this survey?
because i have to much to think about to sleep but i don't know how to write it out

45. What is the best ice cream flavor?

46. Do you think you are attractive?
not usually

47. Is someone on your mind right now?

48. Can you say the alphabet backwards?
doubt it ... not without stopping to think

49. Do you worry about how you look?
sometimes but usually i accept the ugly

50. Would you ever change for a boy/girl?
i might but i would have to agree that it is a change to better myself not just make them happy

52. Have you ever been on stage?
yeah many times

53. Can you whistle?
i can try

54. Would you do anything for that special someone?
not anything.

55. Do you know who Stewie Griffin is?
he is the baby in family guy... duh i work at blockbuster

56. Do you have any plans for today?
today is over....  but my plans were to walk the dogs (check) watch mr. brooks (check) and go to work (ugh check)

57. Are you friends with more guys or girls?
usually guys

58. Why?
idk girls whine alot and expect you be their best friend

61. What color is your toothbrush?
pink white and yellow

62. What makes you laugh?
a lot of things. usually people doing stupid things

am i a bad person for hating most of the people i see daily?? like 90% of the people

Tags: ,

Oct. 14th, 2007

getting ready to go to the club

(no subject)

friend i have known for 9 years died, grandpa died, got a nasty spider bite, got a really really bad infection that spread through my body. my teachers wonder why i am not "performing at my best ability" maybe my ability is thrown off my everything sucky that is going on.

with every thing else sucking at least we got some good news.

my sister is having a boy and despite everything that would cause complications, the baby and my sister are healthy! she has a couple of "growths" on her overaies but they said everything will be fine with a c section.!!

we had a welcome home party for my cousin who was in iraq!! yay sammy is home!!!

but god am i sick of everyone smiling and giggling and rolling their stupid eyes every time i say i want to be a doctor.
why can't i?? its all i have ever wanted to be. i seriously can't think of anything i want to do more than be a doctor.

fuck them, i can do it on my own i don't need them for anything. i will just keep my mouth wrapped around my beer bottle and walk away with a smile. im not a part of that family anyway. shit im not a part of any family. im always going to be the youngest (girl) cousin so they all have to treat me like that. shit ryan and eric are younger than me and they got less shit about drinking at theparty than i did. oh well i won't go next time and i will drink my own fucking beer.

i have been hating everything recently. if something doesn't change soon i know something bad will happen. fuck saving up for a car that works. im saving up for an apartment and moving to the fucking cheapest apartment as far aways as possible and the only contact i  will have is with my nephew and calling my sister on christmas.

Sep. 29th, 2007

getting ready to go to the club

(no subject)

100 truths

1. real name? Alana

2. nickname ? Laney

3. single or taken ?single

4. zodiac sign ? pisces

5. male or female ? Female

6. elementary ? forder

7. middle ? Buerkle

8. high ? Mehlville

9. eye color ? Green

10. hair color ? natural i have no idea. from the salon, bleach blond with low lights and darker peek a boo high lights and low lights underneath

11. hair ? just past my shoulders and growing

15. are you health freak ? i try to eat right and work out every other day but im not a freak about it

16. height ? 5'3

17. do you have a crush on someone ?like everyone

18. do you like yourself ? on most days

19. piercings? Boring, ears.

20. tattoos ? not yet

21. righty or lefty ? righty


22. first surgery ? had those things in the back of your throat removed

23. first piercing ? Ears

25. first award ? Honor Roll? lol

26.first boyfriend/girlfriend? sam lol

27. first pet ? a dog named max. well he was my uncles dog and we took care of him for like six years and now he lives with my uncle and aunt and he is like 700 years old

28. first vacation ?destin, fl

30. first crush ? oh gosh i have no idea there are so many


49. eating ? Nothing

50. drinking ? fiji water

52. i'm about to ? watch weeds

53. listening to ? the tv and my cat screaming.. hes weird

55. waiting for ? school to be over

57. wearing ?out the shower clothes.

58. want kids? doubt it

59. want to get married? not sure

60. want a big house? Oh yes


78. kissed a stranger ? a time of two

80. lost glasses/contacts ? yes lol

81. ran away from home ? No

82. broken any bones ? yes

84. broken someone's heart? yes

85. been arrested ? ish

86. turned someone down ? Yea

87. cried when someone died ? tonight when grandpa died

88. liked a friend ? who hasn't


89. yourself ? of course

90. miracles ? yes

91. love at first sight ? I dunno.

93. Santa Clause ? Duh, if you pretend you believe in him you get more presents.

94. sex on the first date ? HAH, no.

95. kissing on the first date ? yes

96. angels ? Yes


98. Isn't that dude Spencer off The Hills on MTV is a total hottie?
He's hideous. and an idiot and i reall want the season to end with him getting arrested lol

99. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?
Hah, yes

100. Do you believe in God?

speaking of god. my grandpa died and he donated his body to science! i think it that is just the greatest thing you could do. and i am really proud that he did that.

Sep. 10th, 2007

getting ready to go to the club

(no subject)

well here it is. something i found to take my mind of of everything that is going on.  i dont think it will work

80 Things You Might Not Know About Me

Whats your middle name?

How big is your bed?

What are you listening to right now?

What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?

What was the last thing you ate?
special k bar

Last person you hugged?
liz at the funeral

How is the weather right now?

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
my sister

What is the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
car eyes

Favorite type of Food.
i don't know

Do you want children?

Do you drink?
occassionally well more nights than less but i don't drink and get drunk all the time i drink wine or a beer with dinner

Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?

Hair color?
blonde with brown highlights

Eye color?

Do you wear contacts/glasses?

Favorite holiday?
i love getting to see my whole family and we only get to on christmas

Favorite Season?

Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?
yeah many times

Last Movie you Watched?
watching lucky you. it comes out on the 18th rent it its good!!!!

What books are you reading?
texts books and ctr's

ears but i really want my "marilyn monroe"

Favorite Movie?
couldn't choose

Favorite college football Team?
mizzou!!!!! duh im from stl

What were you doing before filling this out?

Any pets?
jack the dog jager the puppy and peaches and 54 are cats

Dogs or cats?

Favorite Flower?
tulips and a daisies

Have you ever loved someone?
my family

Who would you like to see right now?
an old friend

Have you ever fired a gun?
all the time

Do you like to travel by plane?

Right-handed or Left-handed?
right handed

If you could go to any place right now where would you go?

Are you missing someone?

Do you have a tattoo?
No but im getting one

Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
not on saturdays but yes

Are you hiding something from someone?
no. well i guess i am hiding something from myself. does that make sense??? i think that is a little too emo

my puppy jager

i think so.

omg i haven't fed jack and it is 10 30!! then omg i need to write my paper

omg everything. cell phone kleenex more pillows more blankets a remote to everything a planner post its and a sharpie a butcher knife some magazines air freshener my laptop and usually some school work .. im not crazy about the knife a bunch of houses on my street got broke in to and now i dont feel safe when i am home alone


im pretty blunt but i know how to have a good time. sober or not. i am the most loyal person in the world and i am happy doing anything even if that means we are sitting around not doing anything

not of the dark but of like leaving all the lights out at night cause i pretend people won't break in if there are lights

i love just going to a park and all your friends there swinging or playing football or just drinking and having fun

cell phone duh my sister, my car

i couldn't choose

oh here we go... birds, my neighborhood, my school, my work getting robbed, other peoples driving, dying in general and peoplein the city at night

both def. depends on the person

my family calls me laney

donald ... no joke

jean... still not joking lol

i would never be on a  deserted island

the orbit one where the wife catches the guy cheating and she like im not a cootey (i cant spell that like what boys had when you were young) queen you lint licker

cingular... or att now 

i would put the fire out. my house could never burn down. unless i wasn't there. if something catches on fire put it out before it spreads

Whats your favorite color?

cell id credit card keys planner

doctor and still do


red orange yellow white pink stipes

everything that i am stressed about

Sep. 5th, 2007

getting ready to go to the club

(no subject)

getting ready to leave for the wake. and it raining. perfect weather for a wake 

Sep. 4th, 2007

getting ready to go to the club

(no subject)

i was so worried about this funeral
i can't go
its going to be way to hard
all of this is to hard
i cant deal with any of it
i cried in class today
i hate when people feel bad for me
now i have to go to my m,w,f class and cry in there
and my paper is due friday which is the day i will be missing

someone told me that the funeral was to pay your respects but you can do that without going to the funeral
i have decided i can't go
everyone else is having a hard time with this and is still going i know
but this is how i deal with things
i stay locked in a house baking and doing lots of homework and never stopping to give my self a chance to think about anything
i want to call aaron to see what he has heard about the the story since he lives in farmington near the offsets (where he died)
but aaron is a dick head and will be a dick head on the phone even if i am crying
i hate everything
i have to close everyday this week
and i don't know why but everytime i am there all i can think about is everything that sucks in life
maybe thats because everything in life sucks
its not even worth it anymore

Sep. 3rd, 2007

getting ready to go to the club

(no subject)

i haven't felt this way since the last time a friend died.
 grandparents, aunts and uncles. though sad, are a completely different kind of sad.
he was only 19. not only am i completely heart broken that i haven't talked to him in 3 years then he dies and i never will.
 he was only 19. i will be 19 in a couple of months.
and beyond that i feel guilty for feeling this awful about it and letting it effect my life the way it has.
 i mean i am going to go to the funeral and see his g/f of 3 years there and his best friend of 8 and people who knew him well enough for him to be part of their family and i am freaking out this much.
i don't see anything getting better.

maybe its not worth it. maybe it will be easier if i just don't have any friends or care about anybody that way when something happens it won't effect me because i have no feelings.

do they have medicine that can do that? take all your emotions away. . . so that the only pain you feel is physical?? im going to look into that. 
getting ready to go to the club


i can''t believe he is dead.
i haven't seen him in years
and still everything is going to be different
now that i can't
i can't imagine what his g.f and best friend are feeling
or how jessica taking off her shirt htat was covered in his blood

i guess i should tell the whole story since it sounds like we kill someone

when i was growing up my friend amanda's mom babysat a bunch of kids
so i would go to her house before and after school and my mom would pick me up after work
like my second home
they lived on this tiny street that had like 15 people living on it
so naturally they are all close
Mikey lived down the street from them
Jessica is amandas older sister, she is 2 years older than us and Mikey was a year older than us
after we all grew up we all grew apart and got our own friends
except me and amanda.
jessica and mikey and a bunch of their mutual friends we camping at this place in missouri
they had cliffs you could jump off into the lake
mikey and another guy tristen were on the other side of the lake as everyone else walking down from a cliff
mikey slipped on loose gravel and fell down the hill onto some jagged rocks
jessica and julie (a lifeguard who they are friends with) tim (his best friend) and another guy named mike
swam over to mikey and tristen. they climbed over the rocks and mike and tim picked mikey up and put his head in jessicas lap
julie tried to give him CPR while tim tried to stop the bleeding from his stomach
julie said mikey bit her lip (has a mark to prove it) but he died like less than a minute after that
jessica said his head didnt even feel round anymore.
like his skull was crushed
the parametics said there was no way he could have lived through that.
he was only 20 years old
and not drinking
or on drugs

i dont even know a word to describe the way i am feeling
all i can think about is everyday after school and everyday of the summer growing up
we would all hang out in our club house
and we made fun of him for his giant glasses
and he made fun of us for our spice girls impression
if i am this torn up about it i can't even imagine how his g.f kirsta feels or jessica or julie or tim or his mom or sister

this is going to be a hard week.

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